My name is Adam and I grew up in Queens, NY and then moved to Long Island when I was a little bit older. I graduated high school from there and then I ended up moving back to Queens and that’s where I currently am.
I was born on Oct, 23 1981 as per my adoption certificate, I don’t have a birth certificate. I am now a naturalized citizen. I must have been a couple of weeks old when my adoption happened. I was a baby and born in the town of Huentitán El Alto in the state of Jalisco in Mexico.
It was kind of interesting in the way this all happened, which sheds light more on just the way things happen, synchronicity or just how things fall into place. My parents, who are lovely, amazing people, Ron and Wendy, Mom and Dad had already adopted my older brother and were not planning on adopting another boy.
They were actually planning on getting a girl. And when they were flying down to Mexico she had died, something had happened but I’m not sure what. So my mom was very distraught. She had called the lawyer and had said “give me the next baby”, she didn’t care. So the girl was going to be named Amy and then they chose Adam for me, so she went down and she got me, the lawyer said, “alright, I have this baby” and that’s how that happened.
They tell me stories about this very nice man and they stayed at his house. And they brought my older brother down too and then they flew me back. And then that’s when I began. I was so little I wasn’t really thinking about anything just yet. Although I always felt different, once I was able to feel something without it even being brought up to me. I think it’s kind of innate, something that’s always there.
When I started to get older in school and you start making all different friends. And there was a project where you were supposed to bring in a picture of your family or who you looked like. I was still very young, maybe 2nd grade so it was this whole big thing and I didn’t bring in a picture because everybody would see that I didn’t look like anybody, but I had made up a story in my head and I told them when I went up, even though I didn’t have the picture I was like, ‘Oh yeah, I look exactly like my brother. And then me and my parents have the same face and blah, blah blah.’ I went on and on.
So that was probably one of the first points where I just wanted to try and be like the other kids. So that would be a pivotal moment, when I realized that there was a wanting for something. That was probably my first yearning because it’s a part of growing up and all the other kids would talk about it, but my parents were very good about how they went about explaining to me that I was adopted. They got children’s books and they read them to me. So they did their best in explaining how the process went and whatever information they felt they could give me at that time.
I suppose it’s relevant to mention that ever since I was a child when my mother would begin dropping me off at school or just places in general I never would let her go. In hindsight I can say it was because I thought that she would not come back. This would develop into a common theme in my relationships later in life no matter how toxic the person may have been for me. I never wanted anyone to leave. It was my incessant dance with abandonment. It didn’t end until I realized it for what it was and that really wasn’t too long ago.
I was different than my brother. I was the child who was asking questions constantly and my mother always says that’s the difference between us. Now I look at my older brother and I think he’s internalized a lot and possibly still does which I don’t judge him for. He’s adopted too and we all have our own process.
But I would ask. Whatever I would ask my mother would try to give me an answer until the point when you get older and the questions get more complicated. You know, certain times when you are a child you don’t even realize the perspective of your adoptive parents, for a minute you’re just realizing what’s going on in yourself.
When I was in elementary school, maybe third grade, I always wrote. I was always writing a poem or song, and singing. So I had written a song about my birth mother. And it was just along the lines of I know you’re thinking of me and blah, blah, blah. And wherever you are out there, you know just those kinds of sentiments. “I hope you’re thinking of me”. And I had sang it to my mother and at that point she was fine in receiving it, but in hindsight, I do think now, what did she see in that action? Because you could see I was looking for something even at that age and I wanted to know more.
Which leads in part to when you get older to this slight guilt because there is always part of me, that’s like, ohh why did I do that in front of her? I wouldn’t want her to feel any kind of way. Here I am this child and I’m writing and singing about my birth mother. To her she might even be in the mind frame of why is my son even thinking of this woman, you know? But even as the child, I could say the same thing. I was just thinking of her. It was just a natural way of thinking about her.
Nicole: Yeah, it’s almost like, natural wonder. I relate to that and I think that there’s a lot of pain that our parents must have felt too in terms of watching us grapple with the unanswered questions, they can’t answer them either. And they are our parents, your parents are supposed to be able to help explain the world to you, and help make meaning of the world and if they can’t answer our questions, I bet that would feel defeating too.
Defeating and sometimes ends up leading to more friction, which as you get a little bit older, at least as I did, you ask more questions and like I was saying before, they got more complicated, “Hey, Mom. What did my birth mother look like? Did I have any siblings before? What do you know? Where exactly do they live in Mexico, is there a way if I ever wanted to reach out?”
And then finally in my early teens, I asked if I could have all my adoption papers, and I still have them to this day and I keep them very safe. They had my birth mother’s signature on it and I remember it was like magic, the feeling I got when tracing her handwriting engraved on the old paper with my fingertip.
As young as 6th grade when we started languages I had already chosen to study Spanish because in my head I was already preparing for if I ever had the opportunity to meet anybody. So I had already started getting ready.
But the questions got a little bit more complicated, and then the friction did start. You’re already a teenager so you’re already struggling with finding your identity or fitting in and it was a challenging time to be honest.
I was raised Jewish, I actually had a bar mitzvah. My parents were religious, not to the point where we were Orthodox or anything, but they had always kind of instilled in my brother and myself that this is what you have to do and this is who you are. So to somebody that you’re telling when they’re growing up, “this is what you are, this is who you are”, but when you have a feeling of, “I don’t really know who I am”, that’s where that friction started. I wasn’t even really a religious person at the time and even now I’d say I am more spiritual. But I did it because, you know you’re blessed, you’re adopted. This is what my parents want me to do.
I’ve always been into the history of religion and I went to Hebrew school and I enjoyed parts of that, but if you ask if I am a religious person, I would say no, I’m not, although I love reading about many different religions and following different parts. I started to study other religions because I would think, “well, if I was in Mexico, I would still be a Catholic, right?”
So then I would study Catholicism, and I would even go to church. They had a Bible study class at one of the local churches, so I would go there. It was like a mad search to let me figure out some parts of what I would have been had I remained and still been Juan, which was my birth name. But that led to my delving into many different paths which ultimately led to my understanding that they all lead to the same place.
So that’s where it became a little bit more complicated and eventually into my later teens I hit a point where I was already vocal about my curiosity. Then I was starting to feel like my name wasn’t reflecting what I felt like inside.
My name was changed when I was adopted from Juan Carlos Esparza Plascencia to Adam Benjamin Schwartz. I would always secretly use “Plascencia” as my last name online. I figured if anybody saw they could make a connection. It had been kind of building up in me for a long time because on one hand I was Adam, I felt like Adam and I liked the name Adam, I really did, but I needed to hold on to something of my origin. So I had decided to go to court and legally change my name. I dropped the names given to me by my adoptive family and I changed them back to the original last names that are on my adoption papers but I kept Adam. That was the first big thing that clearly caused some friction at home.
So initially it was probably a slap in the face to them a little bit. In hindsight, I understand why you raise a child and you want them to carry on this name and I get it. So I had felt guilt for that also, but when I explain it to them now, they understand where I was coming from because it wasn’t me saying I want to be with my other family, it was just me saying that I needed to feel a little bit more Mexican. I felt like I was wearing a skin that didn’t fit me and I needed to feel a little bit more comfortable. And if that’s what I needed to do, I felt like I had to do it.
And at this point I ended up signing up with ancestry.com. So that was a long time ago, before they were even doing the DNA packages I had just made a profile, it was kind of like a forum. So I started with that and I was talking to a few people with the same last name and I found that the last name that I was given was mainly in a specific area in Mexico. It really didn’t span out much as far as my initial research went. I did find a couple people with the name Plascencia and we started talking, I was maybe 16 or 17 years old. Some of these people I still talk to today and I reached out to one or two about what recently happened with being found to say “hey, you’re never gonna believe this”, talking about 25 years ago, when I’m meeting them just on the internet. And there were quite a few of them that made me really hopeful, in fact, they all did. Whenever I saw somebody with my last name I would think “ohh this is it, answers!”
So over the years I had accumulated a few of these people and nothing ever turned out to be concrete. It was to the point where I had found a picture of a woman with the same name as my birth mother and I thought this is my birth mother. It was not her, later I found out, almost a year ago now that I have been found. It was something that I was always, always actively thinking about. She was always on my mind. There are things that maybe other adopted people would understand, for example, my birth mother’s name was always my password to get into any of my online accounts when I was younger.
And funny thing, which I found out when this all happened was that when I was younger, one of my first girlfriends when I was first exploring out there, her birthday was May 28th. When I started talking to my birth mother several months ago, I asked “when’s your birthday?” and she goes, “May 28th” and I said, “Ohh wow. The first girl that I ever “fell in love” with when I was a kid, that was her birthday and that was one of my passwords too, 0528. Go figure, haha”. Those are the funny things which I talk about now and they kind of make me smile.
So I changed my name which is a process and I was 18 years old. You have to create an obituary and you have to publish the obituary for who you were known as in a local paper, and then you have to bring that to court in order for the process to be complete. So my father, he actually at the end of the day when I did these things, he was like, “wow, Adam if you wanna do something you really get it done.” He almost found it fascinating. And I’m sure that underneath he was hurt…and I’m sorry for that.
It was shortly after I’d say that it got a little bit tougher for me as the years went on. It wasn’t only a process of me starting college and then eventually coming out as gay to my parents, which was actually a breeze, that was probably the easiest part. It was everything else that was underneath, which I was keeping silent, it was a very quiet process for me. Even to this day only a handful of people know about this part of me.
I eventually ended up going to a couple of support groups. I was hungry for perspective. There was a meeting held at a local church when I was living in Long Island and I just wanted to talk about it with people that would understand, but it was all parents, which was great, I usually enjoy hearing everybody’s perspective. But it was not the place for me. I could tell by just the energy around these people and what they were saying about adoption and the experience of doing it was one-sided and when I was trying to tell them what was going on in me and it could have been this specific group of people, but they didn’t really understand, they had these sayings, these cliches, like “ohh, we’re doing such a good thing and these children are really blessed”.
Which we are, I’m not saying that we’re not, but there are other facets of it. I was very okay with voicing my opinion and I was comfortable saying “well, I don’t agree with that. I’m actually a little bit angry and somewhat confused about these things and this is what is making me upset and it seems like you are not even looking at the flip side”. I went for a couple of months but then I just left and I didn’t come back. So there went that outlet.
I ended up going to therapy. Again the same thing, lovely therapists and talking to them about, you know these inner workings and I’m sure they may have found it interesting and they had their medical suggestions but they didn’t understand it, they just didn’t and I could tell too. So that probably ended up leading me towards, I guess being depressed, so there was a period of time where I was on antidepressants when I was younger as these professionals were just trying to figure out what was going on with me. I was just in a spot where I started to really question who I was and why did this happen? Why am I even thinking about it? The urge kept me going, but then you keep searching and there’s nothing but dead ends. And then the dead ends lead to more inner struggle and then you find yourself sitting in a therapist’s office and they tell you you’re depressed.
Nicole: Exactly and it’s like, well, that’s not the full issue. You’re good at articulating things, I like how you’re talking about therapy. I went to this therapist a couple years ago because I kept hitting dead ends too in my search for identity and the therapist I had was just kind of barking at me diagnoses and I get I have my issues, but that’s not what I’m here for. I’m here because of these adoptee related things and I can’t handle you telling me all these things when I’m trying to navigate this part of my identity.
So I ended up searching on Psychology Today again and finding another therapist about a year later and she happens to be a Korean adoptee as well, and she built her own practice based on exactly what we’re talking about, how she noticed adoptees talking about how they’ve been to therapy, and how they are going through insurance and with insurance you need a diagnosis on file, but she’s started her own practice geared specifically towards adoptees. And it’s been really lovely. But I can relate to the feeling. It feels like when they’re medically trained they know something that I don’t. And then it made me feel invalidated in my adoptee experience and more troubled, in need of a diagnosis and then I’m like, wait, wait, back up for a second.
Right. Well I’m sure you might agree when I say that I’ve almost always felt a connection when meeting somebody else that’s adopted. It’s an understanding that is there when you look in the other person’s eyes and how the conversation comes up and they end up saying “oh I’m actually adopted” and then “ohh I’m adopted too” and then it’s like ah, I got you. And I’ll put them in my phone as, adopted Lisa or adopted Dan and save them like that even to remain just a reminder that there are others who understand.
It’s a strange place to come from ya know, you can call it even bizarre or peculiar… odd. Some would say torturous. It’s like trying to breathe underwater but you know you’re drowning. Unless you have grown up with it in you every day, every morning, every night, knowing that every day you are going to think about it again because it’s always a thought then you wouldn’t understand. I wouldn’t expect you to.
I would hope for another person to be open minded, you know open hearted and non judgmental because that’s what the experience leads me to be. So it’s about finding that receptiveness because back then I would say I was looking for a solution, I was looking for a fix. But that’s no longer the case. When I occasionally still go to therapy I’m not looking for a resolution. I’m not looking for an answer. I will always gain self-discovery by getting things out. Receptiveness and understanding is an added benefit but doesn’t always accompany it.
And then I began to discover people like you and Angela Tucker, who is so sweet. She filmed a documentary following her adoptee experience on Netflix titled “Closure”. And she has a book out titled “You Should Be Grateful”. She is an advocate for adoptees. So when I had finished writing my story for 23andMe I had sent it to her. I have been writing everything down since being found. It’s like putting together a puzzle and I’m trying to keep track of all the pieces. She responded and I could tell she got me, she understood. I expressed my apprehensiveness when speaking about my experience in general therapy or with just anyone and I found an open ear with her.
It was a good feeling and I’m happy that I reached out. It led me to discover more outlets and to realize that understanding is available if one seeks it. It may take a little time but it’s out there. It’s healthy for me, for anyone to express themselves in something like this especially after years of repressing it. This, with you right now also provides for the catharsis in me. If my sharing can promote healing for someone else by letting them know that someone understands then that’s the icing on the cake. I feel like now I am in a flow and whatever happens from this point on I can be fearless in that I know that I am not alone. No adoptee is alone. We all stem from the same primal wound.
I’ll backtrack a bit, after I started to see a therapist and I was on some medication for a short period of time which didn’t work and didn’t serve me, I ended up stopping it and I kind of suppressed all this for a bit. Life happens and it was still on my mind but I just put it away as much as I could. Nobody was reaching out to me, so I stopped searching for several years. I was done for a bit. I went back on to ancestry.com in my mid to late twenties and found there were some people that messaged me. A few named Maria Plascencia replied to my initial contact and others with the Plascencia name. None were related to me, but I have remained friends with a special few.
I went on the best I could. I didn’t try to search much anymore and began a slow grieving process, like a death. I was trying to put it to rest. I wouldn’t even trace Maria’s signature across my adoption papers anymore which was once a thing of peace for me.
My grieving continued silently and slowly. In my mid-twenties I went to Mexico for a week on vacation. I remember the water was so clear, like glass and I had this ring. It had a black onyx in it, one of my favorites and the stone must have come loose while I was scuba diving. It’s still so vivid to me, the memory of it floating away from me through the glass. I didn’t even reach for it because the moment was so serene. It was like watching the part of me that desired to know drift away. That’s what I wanted, but I was fooling myself.
My grieving went on silently and slowly. I tried anything to mask the pain. To be honest I was abusing myself. That was how I was accepting that this was never gonna happen. And then I also felt like, well, if I don’t even know me, I don’t even care. Maybe it was a place that you sometimes go to if you are adopted. Maybe it was just me. Either way it all went dark. I was numb.
Although hard as stone there were moments when the desire would still creep out of me, at times in peculiar ways. I would go out in the city and meet somebody, nobody in particular just random people and sometimes I would make up a story and be like, “oh, my family’s actually in Mexico.I’m going to visit them next week I’m so happy about it blah blah blah”.
I suppose it made me happy for a bit to casually play with notions of things that might have been and I left them all innocently enough never planning to see those people again. I’m thankful for them now in that those moments allowed me to play out my deepest fantasy, to be a part of the person I would have been, to know what it would feel like. My birth name is Juan Carlos. Although I am Adam, that boy Juan has always been with me. But besides these seldom moments of release we still weren’t heading down the right path. Behind closed doors I was doing certain things that were not good for me yet trying my best to hold it together face forward.
Some of my friends and family noticed my past excessive habits and patterns, it was unspoken for awhile but no secret. For a former gymnast with a passion for the sport and practicing yoga there was a point in my life when I certainly didn’t hold back on self medicating and alcohol when I could despite knowing it went against my foundations of training, health and fitness. But when you don’t care about your own well being it kind of all can fall to you know what. I no longer drink not a sip of alcohol and prefer the holistic route when it comes to remedies but it’s important to mention how at one time I was dealing with this.
Some years passed by with sporadic glimpses of the hope I tried so hard to bury. I would go into stores around the area, whatever store and occasionally people would see my card if I paid with it and every now and then someone would recognize my last name. And they would say “Plascencia. I know a Plascencia in New Jersey”. And then it happened in another store. And then it would just happen occasionally. And I started thinking about it again. My hope started to build up again. And I would follow up on certain things, I figured let me see. I don’t know, maybe something will happen. My friend suggested 23andMe and I was still highly doubtful but I did it. It sat quiet for a long while.
I had rebuilt a thin layer of hope that something could happen. But eventually that even faded. I remember going into a store once because a guy who worked there had told me they were asking their girlfriend about my last name. The girlfriend came from a Plascencia family name so he brought it up to her and she was curious so she said she would ask her family if they knew anything. I had told her boyfriend minimal information, just that I was adopted and am open to info when it comes along. So I went back into the store and he goes, “Ohh yeah, it seems like they know stuff, but they don’t wanna say anything”. Afterwards I began to work myself up again in my head and got upset and finally I’m like, do you see what’s going on here Adam? This is ridiculous. You’re pushing 40 and you’re still getting upset over these things? I thought we had it together. What’s going on? And I hit a wall. I didn’t have anything together.
I tried at this point to be Adam who I was supposed to be growing up. Adam who went to Hebrew school and had his bar mitzvah and who was a good student and who did all these things and forget about Juan and forget about Maria and this password that I put into my phone every single day. Cut the crap Adam, that’s what I was saying to myself.
You could tell yourself to stop doing something and really go for it, but you still don’t know how you’re gonna take it, if you can weather the process. So I pretty much had an emotional and mental breakdown. This was probably about three years ago. It was with a friend and I had gotten it all out. I really had. I mean, it was probably not the prettiest scene, but I had gotten it all out and it was based around Maria and I just had a moment where I went off and was just like why did she do this to me? I was destroyed.
It was very hard for me to stop , but I had completely let go of any possibility of finding anyone. It was done. If I never spoke about it again in my lifetime it wouldn’t be long enough. It probably had made me a little cold at that point. I know it did because my partner noticed and other people noticed too. Like I said, it was that feeling. I had dealt with it and I did it quietly. I didn’t wanna burden anybody about it, and that was it, you know? But I guess the result was me being that way afterwards. And then everything happened with 23andMe almost a year ago, out of nowhere. The entire universe altered its course for me.
It was funny. I was sitting on the couch with a friend of mine who has half sisters and half siblings and who is searching for his birth father. We just casually started talking about his experience. And as we’re having this conversation, I looked down at my phone and I got a message from a guy named Gus. Gustavo from 23andMe. He had the highest percentage of DNA I’ve ever shared with anyone before.
Nicole: He’s your cousin or second cousin, right?
Yeah he’s my second cousin on my mother’s side. And he messages me and says, “Hi Adam, I think I’m your cousin”. And I said “get the hell out of here”. I’m talking about this right now! But there it was and at first I just kind of threw my phone aside. I’m like this is crazy. Maybe I’ll look at it tomorrow or something and then my partner Anthony and my friend Terrence were there, and they asked what is it? I said, “this is so weird…they’re saying they’re my birth family”.
And here I am today. With the help of Gus I am now in touch with my birth mother and my siblings who are still living in Mexico and I’m getting to know them. I am still in awe that this is even happening. I never could have imagined.
My second cousins live in California. Their mother is my birth mother’s, Maria’s first cousin. According to them both they were close growing up and Alejandra was aware of my adoption. She was present when whoever it was came for me. My birth mother had changed her mind and tried to hide me in the house, but it was too late. Alejandra recalled the whole event, she was there. She told me it caused a great deal of sadness afterwards, how it all happened. I wasn’t expecting a fairytale so I think I took the details pretty well.
I’ve been taking baby steps since my initial conversation with my birth mother. Day by day. I guess you don’t realize all the layers you’ve built upon yourself until you begin to peel them away. But the key is not to press things and to let the stream just take you, it knows where it’s going. Plus my Spanish is coming back from using it daily with my siblings and whenever we have a chance we video chat. I even have a little niece Alissa, she’s three and boy what a beautiful sobrina she is, a princess. I catch her on video chat when my birth mother and brother watch her sometimes or my sister brings her over to them. I know not every adoptee has the exact same situation but this seems like a good start to the prospect of one day finally meeting them in person.
My cousins (technically second cousins yes, but I just call them my cousins, primos when we speak) were amazing and helped me get through my first conversation with Maria. Alejandra was the one who told my birth mother they had found me. They have been beyond supportive. The whole talk was surreal to be honest. Till this day everything is surreal and I’m completely different, I feel like I am actually me. People have said to me after this happened, “Adam, you seem like a different person. It’s wonderful. You’re happy all the time, you’ve changed”.
And I know it’s this. What I’ve gained is far bigger than just the DNA. The art of letting go was a tough skill to attain. Today, I am healthier than ever and free of all the stigmas and restraints that to be honest I placed upon myself. I have finally let go of “being let go of”.
But besides that, there was something in me that since Gus had found me has woken up. I am comfortable saying certain things and I guess all that stuff that I used to repress that I was not wanting to talk about. I’m okay now, I am myself and comfortable with it. Not attached to any names, labels or circumstances. I am just me and it’s great.
During our first video call I think I was just kind of rocking back and forth. My partner was telling me, “I looked at your face and you looked like a little boy. And you were just smiling like a little boy swaying back and forth”. Of course I was, it was nerves, shock, surrender and relief coursing through me and around me. At one point I stopped talking. And she says, “is everything okay?” I said, “yeah, I just wanted to look at you for a minute”. The more I looked the more I couldn’t turn away.
Maria let me know some information involving her situation at the time of my adoption. It was a mess, and I could see why sadness followed. Even if it wasn’t me who was the child I would have still been affected by hearing it. My experience as a youth crisis interventionist has acquainted me with many difficult-to-digest scenarios involving children and equipped me well when managing my own and all its emotional components. In fact, being adopted just in itself has enabled a sixth sense in me when attempting to understand another’s feelings and where they are coming from so I had a good enough idea when beginning our conversation. I was sensitive, patient and respectful and she was the same with me. I couldn’t have asked for more.
Maria spoke of my birth father, his name is Inocencio. There wasn’t much information she could offer after they split and she left with my brother Israel but she did mention where he may still live. I’m not even sure what to do regarding the idea of trying to find him and I have put it on the back burner.
I figure let me deal with one thing at a time. I’ve waited this long so patience wasn’t the issue. My birth father was a soldier based in Mexico where Maria worked. They had met and I assume it was one of those relationships where you’re very, almost infatuated with the other person. And it ends up being a bit tumultuous, regardless of how much you love the other person. It’s just, there was probably too much, too many rocks and bumps in the road. And then when she had gotten pregnant with me, things had gotten so bad as to make my birth father leave. He didn’t know Maria was pregnant. He left without knowing I was on the way.
Maria was young, not even 20 years old and trying to figure out what to do. I’m not sure of the specifics that led her to look into putting me up for adoption, and when I asked she replied, clearly struggling with her words and with tears pooling up that she didn’t know, she just didn’t know. But as she was explaining to me, she didn’t want to. She had changed her mind, and somewhere within the point of the baby girl suddenly dying that my parents were going down to Mexico to adopt, Maria had to turn paperwork in. And I guess it was binding. There was nothing that she could do. She told me the part about hiding me in a house. She hid me because she didn’t want them to get me, to come and take me.
She told me this whole entire scene, which to be honest I have visualized countless times even before hearing it from her, what it must have been like. My siblings tell me she’s very strong. She’s a fighter and she’s tough. She’s had to be, I guess, having to go through whatever she’s been through. So what happened is my birth father came back to Mexico and tried to reconcile with Maria, she told him, “just so you know, we had a son. I didn’t know what was going on with us, I didn’t know what to do so I put him up for adoption” and in the way she explained it she said he either didn’t wanna believe her or he just refused to. I mean, when I think about it, I probably would do the same. If somebody tells you that, what are you supposed to do? There’s nothing you can do.
So I guess it’s smarter to just to not believe it or whatever. So that would be the main and biggest obstacle if I was ever to go look for him. What makes it more complicated is that I have a brother, his name is Israel, fathered by Inocencio also, so we are full siblings. Not that it matters to me, I’ve never known anyone with my blood. My half siblings might as well be full to me although their father is different and is the man who Maria eventually married after Inocencio. At first I thought Israel and I were twins because of how identical we were in all the photos of him and the confusion regarding when his birthday was. I was told at first that he was older, then that he was younger but it was clarified that he indeed was a year younger than me. My siblings told me that her memory isn’t what it used to be.
Since beginning to speak with her, still not yet a year, I have come to refer to her as mamá. She was calling me hijo so this made her happy and I use it as a term of endearment. I wanna make that clear because my mom is my mom. The woman who raised me has seen me through my lowest of lows as well as my peaks. So she deserves that title as my mother although I won’t deny a seemingly natural instinct to see Maria happy and to not hold onto the past. One of the first things she asked me for was forgiveness…and I gave it to her. Of course I forgave her. Forgiving her was also a necessary part to my healing. I am marveled at what this experience is doing to me.
Nicole: Yes, I get it. It’s like some sort of separation in a way
Adam: Yeah, a separation and I am sternly saying that I am not taking anything away from my mother who adopted me, Wendy. She couldn’t harm a fly and I never want to hurt her. I hope on some level she would understand if I ever tell her about this, I haven’t yet and I know people may have their opinions but that doesn’t concern me. Processing this is still a day by day thing with me, but I will know when and if the right time comes to have that discussion.
I think most adoptees would agree that something like this is personal and isn’t an easy path. But, it is at the end of the day what you make of it. I know right from wrong, positive from negative, productive and wasteful. I will do this the right way.
I was happy about Israel and we just looked a lot alike and not being twins because I really thought we were for a minute and that would have made things even more messed up. Israel was 13 months younger than me. I immediately loved his name. I mean, my name is Adam and his name is Israel. And then I was adopted into a Jewish family. I don’t know, synchronicity? My deepest sadness is that I will never have the opportunity to meet him. Not in this life.
Nicole: What a world to connect.
Adam: Exactly, it is no jigsaw puzzle. The dimensions are far beyond three. Eventually after reconciling my birth parents moved together to California, where Inocencio resided when he wasn’t based in Mexico. So Maria ended up having my brother Israel with my birth father, but then it still didn’t work out between the two of them and she left. She left on a plane with Israel when he was six months old. From what I understand, Inocencio never saw Israel again.
When we first started talking last April it was a blessing and there was also sadness that came along with Israel. He ended up passing away in his 20s. He had some mental health issues. He was diagnosed as schizophrenic and needed to live in an assisted living home and then somehow along the lines he had contracted tuberculosis and that was eventually what his body couldn’t take and that was it. So it’s finding all these new, wonderful people but that was definitely the very bittersweet part for me. But since Dia de Los Muertos just passed, I have a picture of my brother Israel and I bought flowers and a candle for him. I think of him often and keep him in my heart.
I was at least able to do that and then communicate with my family in Mexico. They showed me the beautiful presentation they make for him each year in Mexico on the holiday, which celebrates our loved ones who have passed on.
I mention Israel often to my birth family and they are always open when I ask questions about him. I enjoy hearing of our similarities. They say besides the obvious similarity in appearance our gestures and even the way we speak and smile always remind them of him. They even say there are times they feel as if seeing me is like seeing Israel. Although I want them to know and care for me as me, if this makes them happy or brings peace then it will do the same for me.
Since we’ve been speaking my birth family has been so welcoming and maybe not everybody has this experience when they find birth family, but it’s been just so lovely. And they’re so affectionate. Right away I was like, “wow, this is great, they’re so nice and they just want to hug and give “apapachos”, one of the most beautiful words in Spanish which means an expression of emotion that reaches beyond contact.
And our speaking has developed into lighthearted conversation, but every now and then, I’ll tell them a little piece of something about how I was dealing with things growing up and about when times weren’t so good just because that’s part of the story also, and I told them that when we’re getting to know each other I’m going to have to tell you some things that aren’t super happy, but it’s important if you wanna know me now, and we’re gonna get to know each other the right way, this all comes along with it. So I have to be honest.
Nicole: Absolutely. That must be such an interesting place to navigate. It’s like the beyond because there’s so much anticipation and hope as we grow up and wonder about who our birth families are and what their lives are about. And there’s so much anticipation in the meeting. Just meeting them, just seeing even a photo. And I can’t imagine. I have never met my birth parents or my birth mother. She’s like the only one in the picture. She sent me a letter, but I can’t imagine the post, where you are now and having to navigate how to create a relationship and I like how you’ve alluded to the fact that you’re not, it’s not an all at once kind of thing, it’s a progressive relationship and to get to know each other. I appreciate how you’ve explained that.
I think one of the main takeaways from this experience for me is a lesson of judgment. We as people, we judge a lot, and I don’t have the ability to judge anymore. My half sister Daniela told me that mamá feels like she wronged me and was anxious to know if I was really able to forgive her and eventually put things behind me. I told her I did and that I’m not gonna judge Maria because I’m okay now and this is an amazing thing that’s happened. This is a blessing and it’s prompting me to do certain things and to be more aware of certain things, so that would have never happened had this not have happened. I told her we were meant to lose each other because we were meant to find each other, and I believe that. So this is the way that it was supposed to happen. And I see it every day now. It’s almost like every day I feel a little bit different and it’s in the most positive way. Although there are some people who expressed something like “I thought you were just gonna speak to your birth mom with a video chat, and that would have been it. I thought you’d move on”. Again no judgment. I can’t judge them. This process is as unknown to them as it is to me. You will feel how you feel and that is ok. And nonetheless, I have already started something.
I opened the door but I have to do it in the right way and that’s what I told my birth mom . That’s how we have to treat this, and that’s why I didn’t push to just fly down there right away. And I didn’t push to go find out more about my birth father, although I did initially ask her. Honestly, how do you show up on a man’s doorstep and say I’m your child when they didn’t even know that you really existed or didn’t wanna know that you existed. It is like being a ghost of someone that was already put to rest. He didn’t even raise Israel after Maria left, Israel was raised by Maria’s second husband who she is still married to today. Of course I’ve thought where was this man for my brother when he needed him? It may not have made me happy to hear, but I don’t know all the facts and I may never. I can’t even judge Inocencio, it is better to be at peace with it regardless of the past or what the future holds.
My half brother Miguel, he’s so good about this too, he has been my rock. He always says to have patience, but that mamá prayed for me and finally Dios brought me to them. I am developing a strong bond with Miguel and I tell him how I think of Israel often and ask him for a sign of his presence. He says “Hermano, you are the sign”. I like to think that maybe Israel had a part in this whole thing too.
But we’re gonna take it step by step and eventually I will get down there. But in the meantime it is important to have an outlet, people that I can talk to about this and I would suggest that to anyone going through a similar situation. I don’t speak about this with many friends so I am grateful for these opportunities. I just kind of do these things on the side because it’s cathartic for me and I don’t want people to think in their misunderstanding that this is an obsession, this is not an obsession or an infatuation, but it’s something in here. It’s a part of me. But I also know you can’t tell someone something they aren’t ready to understand.
Why did this all happen? It didn’t happen just to happen. It happened because there’s something that I have to do with it or something that I have to learn from it. And I can allocate that to bringing peace for my dear brother Israel because every time I speak with my birth family and they see me, they go “ohh Dios mío , tu eres igual , you’re equal to your brother. He was just a little darker”. And I say “Ohh, los Estados Unidos, Mama. They made me más claro. They made me lighter. I could allocate it towards bringing peace to myself or to maybe help another adoptee somewhere. In my heart I feel it is so much bigger than just the situation. I am mind blown. This is a healing sure. It’s probably the biggest healing I have ever been through and it is a healing on their end also.
Where it gets tougher is letting my parents know. That is where I have yet to find a bridge or even think of a bridge that might be suitable for a subject as sensitive as this. So that, I’m still leaving as a question mark. The few people that I’ve talked to about this, they say, “when are you gonna take them out to dinner and tell them?”
I don’t have an answer for them, you know? I don’t have one. For me, if it feels right, then I’ll tell them. If it feels right, if I feel like it’s doing them a service then I would tell them but if it’s gonna do them a disservice, I don’t know. They’re older now you know, so I struggle with that too. Is my mother gonna think that I’m trying to replace her? It’s a big question. Of course the answer is No but I don’t know how they would take it. This is one of those things an adoptee goes through in this situation I’ve come to learn.
Nicole: Definitely. It’s not like that, that you are replacing anyone.
Adam: Not that at all, but you could tell people until you’re blue in the face and they still will have their thoughts. Why are you doing this? You have a mother already. You should be blessed and not do anything.
Nicole: Yeah. Or why are you even opening this right now?
Adam: Yeah, I get that. But I see a lot lately. I don’t let it phase me and I don’t judge. So when I decide to take it further, I take it further. I can’t pay attention to that.
How have you been navigating your relationship with your birth mother?
We talk several times a week. I talk with my brother Miguel pretty much every day and he lives with her. I can’t even say almost every day. It is everyday. During half of the year I go to the country. A small vacation home for the weekends. But when this first happened, I started to go there and every weekend I would make these little videos for them. I have them all saved in a Dropbox. I keep a journal. It helps while I am brushing up on my Spanish. Also helps me keep track of what’s going on, events and in me. I send them these videos and as many pictures of me as I can possibly send, not for any other reason other than that this is our forum for getting to know and see each other right now.
So we started with that and we keep it up. My half sister (I just call my half siblings brothers and sister though) Daniela has a daughter, my niece, her name is Alissa. She is such a beautiful little princesa. Regarding Miguel, he told me when Israel was alive, he was the only person who could ever make him happy when he was sad, when Miguel used to get sad. I guess they had a good relationship growing up. So me and him, I guess he kind of naturally took towards me as I did to him. So we’re constantly talking. I have another half brother Jesus, we don’t speak as much and to be honest hardly have at all but everyone goes at their own pace and from where they are coming from. It’s okay.
Nicole: Ohh that’s so nice about Miguel.
Yeah, we talk about a whole bunch. He puts himself in my shoes and he tries to imagine what it was like for me growing up and, you know, he tries to be as understanding as he can and he really is. So with Miguel, we talk all the time and then they send me videos too. I have tons of videos of my niece.
Sometimes if I’m at home, I go in the other room and sometimes I shed a tear here and there, but for the most part I choose to be happy that I get to learn and know him. I can love him in my own way.
So even though he’s not here, it’s still pleasant for me because at least I know. I wouldn’t have known of him. I have the option to look at a photo of him like I did for his birthday yesterday. So I wished him a happy birthday. I get to do that. I never would have been able to.
My birth mother wants me to come down right away. It’s funny, she jokes around and says, “well, I’m not getting any younger. Something might happen”. But then my brother Miguel tells her the same thing. “Let’s all be patient and when the time is right, it’ll happen”. There’s some things I have to figure out first. If I go, do I tell my parents?Or I don’t say it and I just go?
And now my family in California, they want me to visit too. A big part of me would pick up and go tomorrow. Some feel like “Ohh, are you gonna just move to Mexico and forget about everything now?” With them I have to reassure them that that’s not where my head is at, but everybody has to understand that this is something I have to do at this point of my life.
But I wanna do things the right way. If I do tell my parents, I want to tell them in the way that it should be done and make them feel secure. I just don’t know if it’s something that’s needed right now because at the end of the day there is a part of me that feels like this is kind of more of a me thing and it may sound a little crummy to say it like that but I have to go by my gut and my heart alone.
Nicole: I’m learning that now. I don’t owe anyone an explanation for who I am.
You don’t. Daniela, she’s so funny, maybe it’s a Mexican thing, maybe she prefers to be more private. I understand as I usually prefer this myself. She goes “Adam be careful who you tell your story to”, and I said “relax mi amor, I understand”. She’s right. Beyond it being so personal to me it is extremely special and isn’t something I would just frivolously tell. Besides the catharsis of this for me and being able to connect with another adoptee, you, I feel like if reading this can help someone in any way than I am being of some service and that is a reason why I would share my experience. If I can help, let me because I know it isn’t the easiest road to walk alone.
Do you have any last remarks?
When I was younger I used to model for a bit. I was recently reading one of my old journal entries, I was always writing, and it was about the time I booked my first book cover, it was a Nancy Drew book. I wrote about how this was going to help, someone is going to finally see me out there and recognize me and find me! Mind you it was a Nancy Drew book not the New York Post. Surprising because I was fairly introverted, but I did all these things to put me out there. When reading entries of mine there’s usually a common theme ending with “finally, maybe now someone will find me”. It wasn’t even for the experience, it was about that. And funny enough, in the end it was me who found myself. How many people can really say they’ve found themselves? It’s the best. I’d like to leave you with that feeling.
Do you have any advice for any adoptees who have gone through similar experiences to you?
Yeah, if they’re going through something similar I would say to recognize the past as part of the whole because it is. Although the past is not always pretty. It’s not always what we wanted it to be, but it is a part of the whole, undeniably. Recognize it as part of that, but don’t attach yourself to it because at some point you have to let go. You have to let go of being let go of. Then you realize that we were all put exactly where we were supposed to be in order to experience this. Nothing is by chance.
That’s what the whole thing is about, being adopted and when you do that, then you see, then you get all that stuff that you were looking for when you were younger, which is knowing who you are or realizing that the whole time the way to who you are is something that’s in you. You don’t even have to look for it in anyone or be found. The path is in you and all the rest is just a blessing.
And I would say remember to stay in the now. That’s where all the precious revelations happen. Surrender and toss away resentment, that won’t serve you anymore and honestly it never did.
Detach from all that doesn’t serve you and be honest with yourself. You know the things you do. You see, I never used to live in the now because I was always looking at the past for reasons why I felt the way that I did in the present, I was always looking at the past. For the first time in life I am here, now, right where I am supposed to be. Whatever happens I know that all is ok, all has its place and there is a bigger reason to all this. There truly is in that this is something that people would say isn’t supposed to happen, just by the very nature of adoption it isn’t supposed to happen. It doesn’t come with the package and yet it happened to me. It happens to others. It comes with its responsibilities but let me tell you what a gift. What a gift it is.
Nicole: Yes, you put that beautifully. You’re truly a storyteller.
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